Overwhelmed

About 8 months ago, Cooper's speech therapists and I were talking about preschools and she mentioned to me that she thought I should look into a special education preschool in the public school system.  Initially, I was like "hell no, he's not going to be in special education!" but then realized that this is not about me and my preconceived notions on a. the public school system (our plan since before getting pregnant was that our kids would go to a local Christian private school) and b.  special education in general.

I called the special ed department last week and I received the application to get things rolling last week.  Seriously, this packet is overwhelming.  Maybe, it's an emotional thing but my anxiety starts to rise anytime that I pick up the thing.  It's so lengthy with all these very detailed questions.  I have to get all this paperwork together.  Yes, I know this is what grown-ups do but I never thought in a million years that I would ever be filling out one of these applications.  The poem "Welcome to Holland" keeps drifting in and out of my mind...

My goal is that he can do this special ed preschool for a couple of years (he's a November baby so will be starting kindergarten late) and that he'll progress so much that he'll be able to attend mainstream kindergarten.  I know that all this anxiety is a "me" thing and I've heard so many wonderful things about this program and that I'm just being silly.  He's going to do great and I have until November to get my head together.  I'm a master at never showing my anxiety to Cooper (or, so I hope!) and he'll never know ever that this process freaked me out...

Overall, my heart and mind are just in weird places.  I'm having bitterness recently bubbling to the surface about never being able to be pregnant again.  I'm having anxiety about this preschool business.  Last week, I went to pick Cooper up from his mommy's morning out and when I arrived one of my girlfriends said to me "I thought you had already picked Cooper up from school because I didn't see him in the room" so I hurried to the room and look through the little window and he's nowhere to be seen.  I flung the door open and say (in a very panicked voice!) "where is Cooper!?"  Yeah, they didn't know where he was and he was actually in the bathroom playing in the toilet and drinking out of a pink sippy cup.  You have to understand that the only time that Cooper is away from me is this mmo program and it takes a lot for me to leave him there.  I'm anxious and he screams every.single.time that I've left him there.  Now, I don't feel like I can truly trust them.  Also, he's now very sick and I would put money on it that he's sick from that pink sippy cup and who ever it belonged to...

I'm just in a weird place emotionally right now.  Prayers and good vibes would greatly be appreciated!