Friday, December 18, 2009

So many questions...

Being a mommy is hard. HARD. Cooper has been home for 10 days and there hasn't been a day that I haven't worried if I'm doing something (inadvertingly) to hurt him. Am I feeding him too much or too little? Is he sleeping too much? Is his color normal? Does he feel warm or are my hands too cold? Why is he spitting up so much?

My questions go on and on...

I put my status on facebook about being up with him at night and all I get is "sleep when he sleeps"...when I should really just put "I can't sleep because I'm scared his apnea is going to come back and I won't be there to help him wake up..." I wish I could compartmentalize this fear...this terror that I have that he's going to end up back in the hospital because I missed something that I should have caught...a lot of preemies will end up back in the hospital and I don't want it to be because I'm a bad mommy.

Being a first-time mommy/a mommy to a preemie/mommy to an angel makes you even more paranoid than a regular first-time mom. I fear that my mommy instincts suck...


  1. Being a mommy comes with the overwhelming fear and panic you are talking about. Even seasoned moms who have never had a baby with issues, i.e; preemie, sleep apnea, etc. have the same panic. Being a mom to an angel I'm sure intensifies this feeling. Although I have yet to have my "rainbow baby" I will say that I often find myself crawling into bed with my 5 and 3 year old to make sure they are still breathing. When I came home from the hospital with my first born I was unaware that my milk hadn't come in. Essentially, I was starving my baby for 4 days and didn't know it, we ended up at the hospital and over two spinal taps it was determined that she was severely dehydrated. A one week stay in the p.i.c.u left me feeling less than adequate as a mother. My friend you are an amazing woman, and I'm certain an amazing mommy. The things you are feeling are normal and understandable. Your mommy instincts do not "suck" ! You are a mother who loves your child so very much and wants the best for him. Cooper is a lucky little boy to have a mommy like you. And as far as the questions, ask away. There are many moms on here who would love to help you. take care. Hang in there. and BIG HUGS to you!


  2. I can imagine that all the normal new mom (even tho you're not a new mom, but you know what I mean) anxieties are magnified when you've been through all you've been through. Hang in there! I'm sure you're doing great!

    **Sometimes I want to turn off my fb or kick off all my IRLs. I know they don't mean ill with their comments, but sometimes they anger me a bit. People just don't get it!

  3. well as a second time mommy to a take-home preemie, i'm just as worried as you are. and i think it just comes from our broken baby loss hearts...truly. i feel as if i've never done this before and the truth is, i'm a different mom now then i was with my first.

    your mommy instincts will kick in...i promise! he has only been home 10 days...peighton has been home for 2 months and i feel i am just now getting a grasp on motherhood again...


  4. I am not a mom to a preemie, but bringing baby home is the hardest thing ever. The worries never stop... hang in there. I am sure you are doing a fantastic job!

  5. Jen, *huge hugs* I can only imagine the worries that go along with taking home your first baby. Everyone wants to offer their advice, but they don't understand why you are so paranoid because they have never been in that place.

    Praying for you and Cooper...I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I can pray.

  6. Give yourself some credit! It sounds like you are doing an excellent job to me. Cooper is lucky to have a mommy who is so attentive to his needs. I know that probably doesn't help, but I think you are a great mommy!

    Hang in there!

  7. I put up a blog post last night that touched on the fears that will come with TTC and then carrying a new baby. I have thought about everything you posted here, but then I remind myself that I first have to get to the 'bringing a baby home' stage. But it's good to know that my fears will be completely normal. You have made it this far, so you must be doing something right!! Sending you big hugs...and a few minutes of peace!!!

  8. Thinking of you honey. I can't imagine all the emotions you must be experiencing right now. Hang in there :)