Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I had 2 contractions during my morning NST yesterday and of course I got all panicky. Instantly my mind goes to this is the beginning of the end. I know Cooper is in the viability stage but I at least want to get to 28 weeks. At 28 weeks the survival rate is 95% and chance of long-term disability drops down to 10%. Then you begin to feel all this aches and pains AND again I go to my uterus is re-rupturing. This is it...

I've been here 20 days and I now see why you could lose your mind being in the hospital for long stretches. I have 50 days left and I want all 50 days whether I'll be crazy or not..

My doc and I had a funny convo yesterday about how your mind will run away from you here and that every ache and pain is amplified by a million. My paranoia comes from the fact that I don't want to miss a thing like maybe "that" pain means something...ya know? Anyways, my doc wasn't concerned about the 2 contractions yesterday b/c Cooper is growing so much right now that everyone has contractions at this stage of pregnancy. I've never been this pregnant before so how am I supposed to know all of these things? My doc said that he'll only be worried if I have 3 or more an hour and if it becomes a consistent thing. So, I had no contractions last night or this morning...which helps me to rope in some of my sanity :)

Monday, September 28, 2009

This and That & week 3 begins~

Just a little clarification on why I have to be asleep during the c-section and hysterectomy. The anesthesiologist is worried about possible blood loss due to the placenta increta and wants a controlled environment. I'm learning that the anesthesiologist holds a lot of power on d-day. The uterus is receiving 4 times the amount of blood when you're pregnant so the potential for blood loss is high. Coming to terms with all of this though and it seems that everyday brings new information.

So, here is a vent. I have to have my blood drawn every 3 days which I'm totally fine with but these people come way to early in the morning. On Friday they came in at 6 AM and this morning they came in at 5:45 AM. Now what happened to the whole theory about how important sleep is for a pregnant woman? They just come in and without warning just flips on the light which is brutal when you're waking up from a dead sleep! Ugh, this is my only complaint after being here for 17 days...I've gotten used to the food and lack of privacy, but this whole early-morning-let-me-stick-you-while-you're-still-coming-into-awareness is starting to suck. I mentioned it to my nurse that 7 AM would be much better for me if that were possible.

They changed the NST orders because Cooper hates them. of the nurses said that its been years since she's seen a more stubborn baby :) He gets that from his daddy. So, in the morning he only has to be on the monitor for 30 minutes and in the evening he only has to do it for 10 minutes. I have to wear the TOCO though for the entire hour which is nothing. Last Thursday though I did have a bought of an irritable uterus and I mentioned this to my peri on Friday (my u/s day) so they checked my cervix to make sure that I'm not having any preterm labor. If you know anything about uterine ruptures then you will know that its imperative that you don't go into labor because the contractions could cause a re-rupture. Anyhow, cervix is long and beautiful and I haven't had a irritable uterus since last Thursday.

I've now decided that breakfast is my new favorite meal because it means a new day has begun and we are that much closer to d-day. I hope all of you had a great breakfast and have a wonderful day!!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

26 weeks~

I have been here for 15 days and I almost hate to say this aloud (you know what I mean!) but time is moving rather quickly here. I have a pretty set routine now and I love (almost) everyone that works here.

We had a in depth ultrasound yesterday on this special GE machine and my peri says that everything continues to look stable. The nurse told me that he wrote "baby has vigorous movement" in his note. I smile because Cooper moves all the time and its hilarious to watch those little arms and legs wail around.

Sadly, I did find out from my ob-gyn that he did some asking around and I will have to be asleep for the c-section. I cried when I heard this because I was looking forward to hearing Cooper's first cries. This also means that hubby can't be in the room either. I'm more sad for my hubby than I am for myself. We both know that the only important thing is that Cooper and I both make it out of that O.R. I also get panicky about being put to sleep because I woke up on a ventilator the last time I was put to sleep. Highly unlikely that that would happen again but that is such a difficult memory for me...

So, week 2 is complete and the week proved to be uneventful. Again, BOREDOM is fabulous!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Pillow case~

I just recieved a visit from the HRP operations coordinator to give me a gift that they give all their long-termers (yikes! I've only been here 13 days and I'm considered a long-termer!). This ministry was started by a lady that was here for 100 days and her story ended very happily. While she was here her church ladies made her a pillowcase with a bible verse on it and all of their signatures were also on the pillowcase so that when she went to sleep at night that she would know that she was not alone. I recieved my pillowcase today with the following scripture:

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid. When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."
Proverbs 3:24

If you read my previous post, you will know that fear has been creeping into my heart...slowly, but steadily none-the-less. I can't help but think that this was God's gentle reminder that I'm not alone and that He is here. I also think that all of your loving words were His way of showing me that there are people out there that care about me and Cooper. I'm grateful for all of your words and prayers. I know that I will have times where the fear will be paralyzing and times that the tears will fall...and, that I have to keep my eyes on the prize which is to bring my baby boy home...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


I mentioned a girl, Stephanie, on the hall in my previous post and just wanted to update you on her status and about my current mental status. Stephanie lost one of the twins 2 weeks ago at 20 weeks and she shared some of her story at the support group yesterday. We were all in tears as she explained that she thought her baby was going to be born stillborn but instead when they placed Angel in her arms she took one tiny breath and then died in her arms. Sadly, I found out this morning that Stephanie went into labor today and will be giving birth to her other baby girl today. I'm heartbroken for this family and fearful for my future's family.

I sit here in this bed knowing how precious each day is that Cooper stays in my body. I find myself looking up survival rates for babies as I complete each week. I'm trying so hard to be positive and strong but I'm feeling some fears sneak in, too. I think about the worst happening again and thinking of losing Cooper makes me want to have a panic attack. And, knowing that he is my last chance to have a baby in my body and be a part of his development is weighing on me, too. I just love him so much and I'm scared to lose him...I'm going to go cry now...

Monday, September 21, 2009

Hospital Update

Things have thankfully been very quiet and boring here!

We continue to do NSTs twice a day and the doppler once in the afternoon. All the nurses are so surprised on how good Cooper does with the NST at 25 weeks. He is very active and we all laugh at the black lines on the strips showing how much he moves~ sometimes its just one straight black line! They have started doing the cross/match at the hospital blood bank so they will do blood draws every 3 days in preparation for an emergency delivery. I now have to wear ted hoses during the day due to some mild swelling in my legs and they certainly aren't the most comfortable things to wear all day. I'm cool though with whatever needs to be done though...

We talk a lot with our docs about delivery day. We've gone over the worst case scenario and sadly the hysterectomy is not the worst case scenario! The worst case scenario with the placenta accreta is if it become placenta percredia which means it grows through the uterine wall and attaches itself to a nearby organ. In my case that would be my large intestine which would mean a bowel resection and yep, a colostomy bag...We're going to have an in-depth u/s on a special u/s machine on Friday to look more closely at my uterus and hopefully things will still be stable. I'm trying to absorb so much information and sometimes it becomes too much. The c-section and hysterectomy are big enough but a colostomy is going to be something that will mentally challenge me. Hopefully, it won't come to that and Cooper's poop will be my only concern...Sorry, if this was TMI for some of you!

I'm going to go to the support group for the high-risk hall this week. I went to a c-section class last week and had the chance to meet some other ladies last week. One girl especially just spoke to my heart. She's 22 weeks pregnant with twins but lost one of the babies last week so they're trying to keep the other baby in there for as long as possible. I immediately wanted to go over and hug her because you could see the tears in her eyes as she told us about the baby girl that she lost last week. You instantly bond with another dbm and I looked her in the eyes as I told her about Lily and we looked at each other with a look of understanding. I know that look of sadness and how the tears are never far away.

I'm on the internet a lot from reading all of your blogs to facebook to babycenter...I'm all over the place. I've been reading and journaling. I've semi been working on this book idea about my journey towards motherhood thats mostly for me and one day maybe Cooper will be able to understand how much we wanted him and how much we've always wanted to be his parents. I became a mommy when Lily came into my life but this journey didn't end with her and continues on as we do all we can to welcome him safely to this world.

And, then a whole new journey begins...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Godly goodies for Cooper~

I thank God for every day that I'm given the opportunity to wake up and I give Him even more praise as I wake up everyday with this very active baby boy inside of me. I found this website that does faith based onesies and saw two that I could not pass up!

Do I even need to say that it only took 1 second to buy this one?

Instead of mommy this one says daddy~

Friday, September 18, 2009

25 weeks!

We just got back from our weekly ultrasound and everything is looking very good! They did Cooper's measurements and he's a week ahead in growth and weighing in at 1 lb. 13 oz!!! Almost 2 pounds :) The fluid looks great meaning that nothing is leaking out of my uterine rupture scar. The plan continues to do the c-section and hysterectomy at 34 weeks. We'll also do another round of steriods at 32 weeks in preparation for d-day.

I went to a c-section class last night since I was knocked out during my c-section with Lily and learned some good information about what to expect before and during the surgery. I know about the after part expect the having to take care of a newborn while recuperating! I found myself allowing myself to get excited about the day that we will meet our little man.

We've officially been here a week and honestly this week has flown by! I can only hope that time continues to move quickly and that our little family can proceed on with our lives at home...

9 more weeks to go!!!!! I'll have my hubby scan the u/s pics from today sometime this weekend so that I can post new pics of Coop and I'll do my 25 week pic this weekend, too :)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


"My precious little baby
I have loved you from the start
You are a tiny miracle
Laying closely to my heart
Each day I feel your presence
Each day you heart beats softly
As only I could know
So I'll keep this in a special place
And remember each year through
Of this very special time in my life
The moment I carried you"
-- Author: Unknown
It's weird to say that I am finding this bed rest to be a blessing but I find myself very thankful for this time in my life. A day after Lily died I was told by one of the rounding doctors about the beauty of adoption. I was told by more than one doctor that week and through proceeding check-ups to never use my uterus again. I was also told by the doctors about how grateful I should be that I got to keep my uterus. That comment used to make me angry because all of your organs (minus your appendix) have a purpose and what good is it to have an organ in my body that would just be a constant reminder of the most devastating loss of my life?
I used to hate to hear the comment "God has a plan" after losing Lily. I could not see any purpose in God giving me such a burden to carry in my life. I am beginning to see how we only see the small pieces in a puzzle whereas God sees all the pieces together in a beautiful picture. God allowed me to keep my uterus for a reason. He knew that in a short time that I would be using it again to carry this new life inside of me. Some would question how I've come to terms with the hysterectomy already but I see that the placenta increta was not an accident. The placenta growing over the scar is keeping my uterus together and hence keeping my baby safe inside. Nothing is happening coincidentally but by beautiful design.
I feel as if I'm rambling but I woke up today feeling Cooper moving inside of me and then listened to his heartbeat for an hour this morning AND felt tears of joy rather than the tears of heartbreak that have been escaping my eyes for the last 13 months. And, I feel wonderfully and awesomely blessed.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Our new routine!

5 days in to our 70 day stay and it looks like we have ourselves a pretty standard routine. Things start getting noisy around here at 7:30 and breakfast is served around 8-ish. Then we're put on our morning NST, which should take an hour but its more like and hour and a half to two hours...whatever, what else do I have going on :) In between all this is planning out your menu for the next 3 meals and the aide coming into to do your daily weight and get your vitals. Lunch is between 11:30 to 1:00 (today it came early and we have a ceaser chicken wrap with side salad, beef stew and strawberry shortcake). The only problem with the food other than lack of salt and pepper is portion size...hello! I'm pregnant and they give us the portion size for toddlers. A snack tray comes around in the morning and they tell you to stock up for the day...and my hubby has done a pretty good job with setting up snacks in my room so starvation is not in my future. Then, around 4 the nurse comes in to do the doppler for a minute or two. Dinner at 5 ish and then its pretty quiet until the new shift starts and the evening meds are given and our nightly NST is done at 9 until 11...then bed!

Boredom is good though! Boredom means that my uterus is behaving itself and Cooper is still safe and snuggly inside of mommy. My doc came in this morning and I was telling him that my mom has a premonition that Cooper will be here at the end of October which would put us around 31 weeks. Doc thinks that if need be then Cooper will be fine being delivered that early with only a minimal stay in the NICU. He says that normally babies born that early only have problems with weak eyes or asthma versus babies born at 24 weeks that may have problems with cerebral palsy and blindness.

Oh, yeah, another tidbit given to me by my doc: half the unit has the swine flu...

Monday, September 14, 2009

My first baby shower :)

The lovely ladies at my old job (still feels weird saying that!) threw me a baby shower before I left and I had the best time. It was great sitting around talking about babies, eating, and of course, opening all those cute baby gifts! I never got to have a babyshower with Lily, so this was an even more special event to share with Cooper. I wish I could've shared this with Lily, but I felt her presence during the entire event. I truly feel as if she's just as excited about her baby brother :)

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Go on Cooper with your bad self :)

Twice a day for an hour we are connected to the fetal heart monitoring machine with the contraction machine (I have to learn the name for this process~ does anyone on here know? I can just ask the next nurse) and he hates every moment of this monitoring.

Last night we were hooked up for an hour and a half because he moved 3 times! At one point his heart rate dropped but the nurse thinks that he just rolled onto his cord for a second and that there was no need to worry. This morning, he did fabulous! The nurse said that he did better than most of the 32 weekers on the hall. He made me so proud! On Friday during the ultrasound they showed us that he's already practicing his breathing and we got to see his lungs moving up and down. I just am so in awe of this little man~ he just keeps surprising everyone on how healthy and developed that he is already!

So, I pray very hard that the Lord keeps His hands wrapped tightly around my uterus and that it continues to remain stable.

68 days to go :)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Pics of room and 24 week pics~

*Warning* Don't expect to see many photos of me in the next 10 weeks with any make-up on and if you know me in real-life and plan to visit, give a sister a heads-up because I don't plan on wearing a bra either...You've all been officially warned*

Atlanta's skyline view from my window~

I'm doing my hospital admission paperwork and the cool thing is is that I can wear my own clothes here :)
Can you see Lily's blog on my laptop? I'm a blog addict :)

The elevator to leave the parking deck...
24 weeks! A big day for mommy and Cooper!

My uterus is now the size of a basketball and I feel like I'm carrying one for sure :)
Good times, people, Good times!

Friday, September 11, 2009

We're here~ Day 1

We got here around 2:00 and so far I've done tons of admission paperwork, gone down for an ultrasound, had a steriod shot, and we just did a doppler session.

Dinner is served around 4:30 and tonight's menu is ham, roasted garlic mashed potatoes, and veggies (Chuck can eat those!). I did check-in just in time to see Happy Tails which is a volunteer group that brings in dogs to see the patients, so I did get some lovin' from Annie, a very cute labrador retriever. Everyone is super nice from the nurses to the dietary staff.

I have a great view of the King and Queen buildings (anyone familiar with Atlanta knows what buildings I'm referring to) which is a relief because I was worried that I would get a room on the right side of the hallway and these rooms look onto another part of the hospital. A mural was painted on the side of the building to give those rooms something to look at.

One time a day for an hour I'll wear the uterine contraction belt and they will do this on the next shift. My stress level is actually much more contained since getting here because I feel a million times safer. My perinatalogist is one floor below the high-risk unit so he's just a few minutes away from being in my room.

It's September 11th and to be honest all of my thoughts have been self-centered today. My hubby and I did have a conversation about where we were 8 years ago today and how scary that day was for the whole world.

This blog will probably have a new post everyday. Don't be surprised if I'm just telling you what I ate today because there will be a lot of down time on my hands but I'm prayerful that we will be here for the entire 10 weeks because that means our little man will face better odds on the outside.

Up already!

I'm up already and my mind is moving in a million different directions from I hope they let me wear my own clothes to feeling bad for my hubby to have to sleep in a convertible chair/bed. Today is the day and I will update later today when I'm checked into my room!

24 weeks was my first next goal is 28 know, I'm actually feeling like at the end of all of this that I'll be bringing home a living baby...and, what a great feeling...

Monday, September 7, 2009

Two big days this week!

Tomorrow is my last day at my job. Although a little sad about closing this chapter in my life, I am very excited about the new chapter unfolding in front of me. I've made some great friends over the last 7 years that have become like family, but now I'm at a point that I have to concentrate on MY family.

Friday is bedrest check-in day at the hospital...I'm packing my bag like I'm going on some vacation, and its hard to believe that I'm going to be away from my home for 10 weeks! My poor cat, Delilah, is going to think that I've died! My hubby and I tried to spend as much time this weekend just doing totally random things like going to Dragon*Con and last minute trips to babiesrus to finish the baby registry. Its crazy to think that when I leave my house on Friday that I will be returning home in 10 weeks with a baby and dismissing my uterus. I'm sad that I will have to sleep all those nights without my husband. My sweet hubby that rubs my head when my snoring gets out of control (thank God that all the rooms are private!). He plans on being at the hospital nearly everyday and spending the night on the weekends, but we're the type of couple that do EVERYTHING together so this time period will be huge for us...but, its temporary and for the greatest reason every...

Life is changing drastically this week but I've never been more ready for change...ever...

Saturday, September 5, 2009


I was asked at my 17 week peri appointment if we would consider terminating the pregnancy with Cooper due to the risk that this pregnancy would endanger my life. My resounding answer was NO. Cooper's existence was of no fault of his own but faulty counting by his mommy and his daddy. I am willing to take whatever risk that I have to to get Cooper here safely even if it means that my life might be at risk. At no point would I ever be willing to quiet the heartbeat that I saw on his first ultrasound. I would be prayerful and faithful that the Lord would see us both through this journey.

And, now the tide peri told us yesterday that the placenta growing over the uterine scar is the best thing that could have happened to us. The placenta is acting as a bandaid and is keeping my uterus together through all the stretching. The placenta growing over the scar is the cause for the hysterectomy but I don't care about having my uterus if I have my one beautiful living child in my life everyday. And, plus my uterus needs to be punished for what it did to Lily (if you know me at all, you know that I'm joking with the last sentence!) We have left my peri's office with great news at both of our last two appointments. My uterus is completely stable and we have a perfectly healthy baby boy growing everyday. He now weighs 1 lb. 6 oz. and is very active. He moves and kicks like a quarterback. To see my peri looking less stressed and more positive is such a blessing.

Thank you to all the prayer warriors lifting up their prayers to the Lord on mine and Cooper's behalf...keep it up and miracles are bound to spring forth...