What will 2010 bring?

This blog didn't even exist this time last year. I had no idea that I would have a son when I celebrated New Year's Day 2009...

2009 has brought the most wonderful event into our lives. Cooper has given my life purpose and unabounding joy...even at 2 AM and my eyes are crossing because sleep is so rare these days! I end this year with a grateful heart and an eagerness for all that 2010 will bring to my family.

I hope all of you are blessed beyond belief in the upcoming year! I can't wait to see all the rainbow babies that join our community and to celebrate with their very deserving mommies. I love all of you and thank you for all of your love and support this year.

I loved every minute...

of Cooper's first Christmas! My hubby did Cooper's 7 AM feeding and woke me up with Cooper in his arms to tell me "Merry first Christmas as a family!" AHHH...what a sweet feeling that was to have my two favorite guys to greet me on such a joyous day!

Cooper was my favorite present under the tree :)

We wore him out as evidence by the following pics...

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!

As you can see Cooper is ready for Santa...I gave him the 411 on how Santa won't come unless he's asleep :)

Thank you for allowing me to vent..

and, thank you for those that offered support. It does feel better to know that I'm not alone in these insecurities. These insecurities went haywire due to an episode right after Cooper ate last night. I had fed him and burped him and he was just laying in my arms...and, all of a sudden he starts spewing up his formula and is turning this reddish/purplish color. I put him on his side and get the bulb syringe and then he started to scream bloody murder. I knew he was fine when he started to scream and its not like he stopped breathing or anything...I then start to worry "did I feed him too much..." or "can he choke on all this stuff coming up?"

I do think that I'm settling in to this mommy role nicely but I have always been my own worst critic. I will always find some reason to blame things on myself. I do know that worrying about being a good enough mother means that I must be doing something right...And, I know that I want Coop to look back and think "wow, my mom was awesome..."

Just a quote that I thought was appropriate to today's post:
The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

So many questions...

Being a mommy is hard. HARD. Cooper has been home for 10 days and there hasn't been a day that I haven't worried if I'm doing something (inadvertingly) to hurt him. Am I feeding him too much or too little? Is he sleeping too much? Is his color normal? Does he feel warm or are my hands too cold? Why is he spitting up so much?

My questions go on and on...

I put my status on facebook about being up with him at night and all I get is "sleep when he sleeps"...when I should really just put "I can't sleep because I'm scared his apnea is going to come back and I won't be there to help him wake up..." I wish I could compartmentalize this fear...this terror that I have that he's going to end up back in the hospital because I missed something that I should have caught...a lot of preemies will end up back in the hospital and I don't want it to be because I'm a bad mommy.

Being a first-time mommy/a mommy to a preemie/mommy to an angel makes you even more paranoid than a regular first-time mom. I fear that my mommy instincts suck...

Christmas card debut :)

We decided to go with picture #3 after much debate. He was adorable in all of them but #3 did have a certain spunk that could not be denied!


Here is the finished product with a little help from Nathan's mommy at http://www.ababynamednathan.blogspot.com/ . She is a professional photographer and offered to photoshop Cooper's feeding tube out so that you could see more of his cute little face. The generosity of the ladies in our community never ceases to amaze me and her offer was very much appreciated by my hubby and myself.

Chillin' like a villian...

We're settling in quite nicely and I couldn't be happier, well, I could with just a little more sleep...BUT, I'm having the time of my life with this baby boy :)

Cooper taking a nap in his pack-n-play

Cooper doesn't like bathtime...this is his pitiful "why did you do this to me, mommy?" look...

He was a little less mad at me in this one...

Cooper having an indepth conversation with his froggie friend :)

51 days of hospital bedrest and 38 days of NICU...

AND, Cooper is finally home!


In the elevator....

In the car...

In the garage...

In his crib...(the toys won't be in there once he actually starts sleeping there)

On mommy and daddy's bed...

Today is a blessed day and I can't put into words how happy we both are to have our baby boy at home...

Discharge planning!

Cooper passed his carseat test today...He is going up to 8 bottles tomorrow and if he does good with his 8 bottles for 48 hours then we should be going home either Wednesday or Thursday! Do I have to tell you the emotions that run through every fiber of my body when I think about FINALLY bringing him home? After everything that we have been through to have a baby in our arms and in our home...

I'm overjoyed...

Cooper after a bottle...of breastmilk...happy boy :) And, I love what he's wearing today!

Cooper while doing his carseat test...completely oblivious on how important passing this test was to getting home...Passed with flying colors! His pulse ox didn't drop once!

So...

You guys have got me thinking about picture #3...You guys don't think he looks cranky? It is a hilarious picture so maybe we should go with that one?

I'm even more confused! Who would think this would become such a huge decision! There will a lot of people in our lives that this will be their first glimpse of him so I want it to be a really cute picture...

What would you think if you got a Christmas card with #3?

Christmas card photo shoot...

I'm so excited to do our Christmas card this year!

But, I need some help! Which picture do you guys like best between the first two? Help a sister out and leave a comment on which one you think I should go with :) I think he looks equally adorable in both of them!


#1

#2

I just wanted to share these because I thought they were funny...

Cooper's one month of life put to song :)

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Cooper will be one month old on Tuesday so I just did a little video of some of my favorite pictures from his birth to this weekend. I also threw in some stuff from finding out about his existence and the pregnancy...

It's crazy looking at pictures of his nursery or ultrasound pictures now because (as any dbm knows) I didn't think that I end up with a living, crying, screaming, cooing baby in my arms or my house!

I don't think I could ever do enough or be a good enough person to deserve all this happiness...

A dear friend sent this to me the other day and I wanted to share this with all of you. I hope this warms your heart as much as it did mine...

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?" God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.." God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?" God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life..."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name." God said, "You will simply call her, "Mom."

My son is so thoughtful!

We got to the hospital today and there was a Thanksgiving card taped to Cooper's crib:

Needless to say, this made my day :) And, I'll keep this card FOREVER...

OH, and Cooper gave us our first golden shower today! NOW, I really feel like a mommy to a little boy!!!

Cooper's first Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours! There should be a disclaimer to this post that I am actually EVIL...this beautiful innocent baby was used as a prop in Mommy's sick humor and had me laughing so hard that I almost peed myself...

I always hated "Baby's first " stuff but alas I now purchase them and put them on my baby!
Mommy right before the evil came out...

And, the evilness begins...

Cooper just minding his own busy but this pesky turkey won't leave him alone!

Cooper never woke up during the photo shoot...I'll show these to him when he's a little older :)

Thankful

Today, I was holding Cooper and thinking about the journey of him joining our family. I just sat there feeling his weight in my arms and reflecting on the happiness that just his presence has brought to my life. How content I feel every time I kiss the top of his head and feel his soft hair on my lips. How ecstatic it feels when I feel his chest rise and fall underneath the weight of my hand on his back. I'm thankful to change his diapers during the day and it didn't even bother me when my finger fell into a pile a poop! I pump every 3 hours without (much!) complaint because it means that I'm feeding a living and breathing baby!

I'm thankful beyond words that he arrived here safely and that despite the normal preemie stuff that he's doing so great everyday. I feel blessed to know that he's in good hands even though I can't wait until he's home.

To feel bliss when you've felt the deepest sadness is surreal...

Apnea and reflux...

So, it looks like Coop has apnea and reflux and that is why he has been de-sating recently. Apnea is a medical term that means a baby has stopped breathing. Most experts define apnea of prematurity as a condition in which premature infants stop breathing for 15 to 20 seconds during sleep. Yesterday they gave him a dose of caffeine to keep him from going into so deep a sleep that he forgets to breath...I jokingly asked the doctor if I should up my caffeine intake too since I'm breastfeeding him...


Preemies have those steps forwards and those steps back...this is just something that has to be solved before he can go home. They do send preemies home with apnea monitors and some even go home on a dose of caffeine but I explained to them that I want this issue resolved prior to discharge. I will be lighting up 911 if he goes limp on me like he did on Friday. Thank God this hospital makes you take a CPR and the heimlich maneuver class before you can take a baby home...not that CPR is whats need in this instance but I do feel prepared for an emergency at home.

Cooper is now 18 inches long!



And, now weighs 4 pounds 12.8 ounces...

I did buy him a musical toy for his bed this week and he really loves it. He just watches the little monkey and frog go back and forth. It's so cute!

A stressful day...

Yesterday, I walked into Cooper's pod and his pulse ox was 64 and no one was there to respond. A pager is supposed to go off anytime that his pulse ox falls below 80 but no pagers are going off. I start ripping off his blankets to rile him up because that gets the oxygen back moving and nothing. The nurse takes over and puts a little oxygen mask close to his face (called a blow by machine) and is thumping his foot to get him to cry. By this time he is this wierd whitish color and he is limp. Do I need to tell you how I was feeling at this moment? After what felt like forever but was probably more like a minute, he was back to his normal self.

WHY THE HELL WASN'T THE PAGER WORKING??????!!!!!!!!!!??????????? And, why was I the first to respond?????

After the fear wore off the anger moved in...

The nurses spent the rest of the day trying to reassure me that they were working on the pager system but that they had his monitor pulled up in every baby's pod and that this would never happen again.

Literally, I'm there at his bedside for 8-10 hours a day...and, I still have guilt that I'm not there enough...and, now that guilt has multiplied. How long was my boy having problems breathing??? They assure me that it had just started happening when I walked into his pod...well, thank God then that I walked in at that exact moment!

It appears that he's just having reflux issues so they have dropped his by mouth feedings to 2 times a day (baby step back) and are going to space his NG feedings over a 90 minute span instead of a 60 minute span. Hopefully, these two steps will stop this from every happening again. His pulse ox dropping is normal when it goes into the high 80's when he's stretching and pooping because he's working harder but not in the 60's...

So, I've gotta go get ready to go to the hospital...

The birthstory...about time, eh?

This is me and Cooper about 15 hours before he was born. I love Halloween and wanted to celebrate in a special way since it also coincided with turning 31 weeks! We painted my baby bump and passed out candy to the nurses...who knew that the next morning would bring so many surprises!

I woke up on November 1, 2009 with a terrible backache but I thought that maybe I had just slept wrong and if I got up and moved around that I would start to feel better. I thought that maybe I should mention this to my nurse after an hour of constant back pain and noticing that Cooper wasn't moving around as much. Cooper was always very active so this alarmed me even after taking a sip or two of Coke and he still wouldn't move much. So, my nurse decides to go ahead and put me on the monitor to see if I was having any contractions. Remember how I wasn't allowed more than 3 contractions in an hour time span? When I got hooked up to the monitor it was discovered that I was having contractions EVERY 3 MINUTES! Heck, I had never been in labor before so how the heck was I supposed to know!?! (I had an emergency c-section with Lily).

I had called my hubby when I woke up and mentioned the back pain but assured him that all was well and to come to the hospital after he finished my laundry. Imagine his surprise when I called him back to tell him that we were going to have a baby that day and to come to the hospital immediately.

I give amazing kudos to the teamwork on the high-risk floor because I was down in the labor and delivery within 5 minutes. My surgery was actually done in the main hospital's operating room because it was too invasive of a procedure for L&D. My hubby made it from our home to the hospital in 8 minutes (scary because it normally takes 20 minutes!) and made it in time to take a pic and give me a kiss...

Good gracious~ I look crazy bloated (which is a nice word for fat but I did have a baby!)

They had to do everything to me while I was awake due to the fact that they needed to get Cooper out of me as quickly as possible because I would be asleep for the c-section and hysterectomy. The anesthesiologist was so nice as he put the picc-line into my sub clavicle area and the arterial line into my wrist...for the record, I acted like a big girl in front of the professionals but that crap hurt like hell...and, he was even more nice as he talked to me while I feel asleep and the last words that I remember him saying were "you're going to have a beautiful baby boy when you wake up..."

Which is why my first words when I woke up (whenever that was!) were "is it a boy?" My hubby was there in recovery to show me a picture of our sweet baby boy that required no intubation and just a c-pap at birth. My hubby's face was priceless as he told me that Cooper weighed 4 lbs. and was 16 and a half inches long. This was my first glimpse of my boy....

His lungs worked wonderfully for a 31w1d baby boy from the expression on his face...and, yes, I am posting a picture of all his glories...I debated heavily on posting this pic but decided that nakedness is cute AS LONG as it is in baby form :)

Literally, he was born within an hour of my first complaint of back pain to the nurse. This hospital and it's staff are phenomenal! Actually, this hospital has the only stage 3 NICU in the southeast...which is why we were willing to move in at 24 weeks and didn't (completely) freak out when the possibility of a preemie turned into a definite decision.

Cooper spent 2 days on a c-pap and about a week on a nasal cannula...and has needed no help in breathing for almost 2 weeks. We're now up to 2-4 feedings by mouth a day (we need 8 to go home) and he is a picture of health (minus a heart murmur that almost all preemies have...) We have been extremely blessed to have made our way safely out of a very high-risk pregnancy and pray everyday that Cooper continues to grow stronger and healthier...

This post is about me...

I've recieved facebook comments, e-mails and blog comments to write about how I'm doing...Its been hard to put how I'm feeling into words but I'm going to attempt that now...and, will still fail miserably! How do you put 31 weeks of pregnancy and 16 days (so far!) of NICU living into words?

Let's start with the physical part of becoming a mommy. They did a vertical incision due to the placenta increta so I have an 8 inch scar that runs from my bellybutton to my pubic bone. My first words when waking up from the surgery were "is it a boy?" and "my stomach hurts like hell." They did the hysterectomy which I was completely prepared for because I had known about it since I was 17 weeks pregnant. I don't feel any physical aspect of not having a uterus anymore...I don't know if you're supposed to though. My back kills me most of the day and I'm investing pretty regularly into those heating pad things that you wear that last 8 hours. I had at least 20 staples in my stomach so the incision is going to leave a not so sexy scar...it's a good thing that two piece bathing suits aren't my style anymore...

Emotionally things are trickier. My postpartum hormones are crazy. The smallest things make me cry but I don't feel depressed...sometimes a little sad but not depressed. I was having a real hard time when he was first born because he had one or two days that breathing was very taxing for him. His little chest would retract and it would break my heart. I felt so guilty and wondered if I asked too much of him...I knew he would come into the world early but I didn't plan on 31 weeks. I guess nobody really plans on when their baby will enter the world, do they? I feel guilty for leaving the NICU everyday. I'm here for at least 8 hours a day but guilt stabs my heart the moment that I head in the direction of the parking deck. My heart leaps for joy when I round the corner to his little pod in the morning and he's resting there peacefully. You become a little obsessed with the vital screen though when you're a preemie mom (ugh, I hate it, too!) but I relax when I see that all of his vitals are doing great. He makes me so happy when he's awake and he gets fixated on me and my voice. Would I do it all again if I could go back? Most definitely YES....

My emotions when I found out that I was pregnant were a mixture of joy, fear and trepidation. I worried every second of losing another baby. It didn't even phase me when they told me that I would have to have a hysterectomy as long as Cooper made it here safely. And, he has. I can breath now that the pregnancy is over and he is here AND is doing great. Now all the normal mommy worries plague my mind...and, those worries what last until the day we die?

The many faces of Cooper :)

"You don't say?"

"I need a nap."

"No, seriously, I need a nap."

"Just joking! I'm awake...."

The NICU is a time warp...its Friday then its Monday...

Breastfeeding is harder than I expected!!! Saturday and Sunday were marvelous and then today it was like neither one of us could get our act together. The nurses assure me that this is normal but I felt like a failure at the end of our breastfeeding session. He is now up to two feedings by mouth a day which is great because we can go home once he's up to 8 feedings by mouth a day.

He's now over his birth weight!!! He's a whole whopping 4 lbs. 4.1 oz!!!! You know he actually looks bigger to me now but I think it's really that I'm just getting used to the tininess...

ALL of the nurses just love him because he never cries and he is just the sweetest thing! He really only cries if he has blood drawn or is hungry...typical things but other than that he just looks at you with those beautiful eyes.

I'm just totally and madly in love...

It's been a great Friday the 13th!!!

Cooper will be 33 weeks tomorrow and we can officially begin to breastfeed!!! I'm stoked!!! We did two practice sessions today and I'm really hoping that he is able to eat as well as he's been able to just play on my nipple :) He is definitely correlating his mouth with food now and will begin to suck on his hand and get fussy when its time for a meal. His cries are just precious (ask me how I feel about them in 6 months or so...just joking) and his face gets all scrunched up when he's hungry...

He's doing really great in the transitional unit and we have so much more freedom and privacy. Of course, they had to be strict in the NICU but in the transitional unit, we are able to hold him whenever we want and for however long we want provided that he is stable. Also, with him being in the open air crib now its so much easier to change his diaper, clothes, and swaddle him. Plus, I can kiss his cute little forehead like a million times a day now :)


Bree made Cooper this little hat :)

Cooper snoozing the day away...

Cooper in his big boy bed :)

The baby steps of a 32 weeker

So, big news...Cooper was moved to the stepdown/transitional unit last night!!! Our little grower and feeder has moved to the penthouse!!! This time he is actually ready to be in the stepdown unit rather than his 8 hour stint in the unit last week. He also moved to an open air crib!!! And, we get to start breastfeeding on Saturday when he turns 33 weeks!!! All of these things bring us closer to going home...

We are still doing the non-nurtitive sucking to get him used to latching on to the breast and he's a natural!!! It will be interesting to see how well he adds in the swallowing/breathing component and this may take him a little time to achieve. I'm okay with starting him out on the bottle so that they can monitor what he is eating BUT they know that he is only to take breastmilk.

Cooper is doing so great and I just pray every night that he continues to progress smoothly. Its very common for preemies to take 2 steps and the one step back so I know that there is a possiblity that we may hit a bump in the road. He makes mommy and daddy proud everyday and we couldn't ask him to do anymore than what he is doing already. He's an absolute blessing!!!


Daddy and Cooper


"What I won!!!" Cooper's expression when he won the world's cutest baby award :)

Jeepers creepers where did ya get those peepers? My guess is daddy :)