I've recieved facebook comments, e-mails and blog comments to write about how I'm doing...Its been hard to put how I'm feeling into words but I'm going to attempt that now...and, will still fail miserably! How do you put 31 weeks of pregnancy and 16 days (so far!) of NICU living into words?
Let's start with the physical part of becoming a mommy. They did a vertical incision due to the placenta increta so I have an 8 inch scar that runs from my bellybutton to my pubic bone. My first words when waking up from the surgery were "is it a boy?" and "my stomach hurts like hell." They did the hysterectomy which I was completely prepared for because I had known about it since I was 17 weeks pregnant. I don't feel any physical aspect of not having a uterus anymore...I don't know if you're supposed to though. My back kills me most of the day and I'm investing pretty regularly into those heating pad things that you wear that last 8 hours. I had at least 20 staples in my stomach so the incision is going to leave a not so sexy scar...it's a good thing that two piece bathing suits aren't my style anymore...
Emotionally things are trickier. My postpartum hormones are crazy. The smallest things make me cry but I don't feel depressed...sometimes a little sad but not depressed. I was having a real hard time when he was first born because he had one or two days that breathing was very taxing for him. His little chest would retract and it would break my heart. I felt so guilty and wondered if I asked too much of him...I knew he would come into the world early but I didn't plan on 31 weeks. I guess nobody really plans on when their baby will enter the world, do they? I feel guilty for leaving the NICU everyday. I'm here for at least 8 hours a day but guilt stabs my heart the moment that I head in the direction of the parking deck. My heart leaps for joy when I round the corner to his little pod in the morning and he's resting there peacefully. You become a little obsessed with the vital screen though when you're a preemie mom (ugh, I hate it, too!) but I relax when I see that all of his vitals are doing great. He makes me so happy when he's awake and he gets fixated on me and my voice. Would I do it all again if I could go back? Most definitely YES....
My emotions when I found out that I was pregnant were a mixture of joy, fear and trepidation. I worried every second of losing another baby. It didn't even phase me when they told me that I would have to have a hysterectomy as long as Cooper made it here safely. And, he has. I can breath now that the pregnancy is over and he is here AND is doing great. Now all the normal mommy worries plague my mind...and, those worries what last until the day we die?
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So good to hear how YOU are doing, Jen! There are so many people here in the blogiverse (and probably in your real life too, im sure) who care about you and are rooting for Cooper daily. Be proud of that sexy scar. I have a couple of lap scars on my tummy and an extra couple of pounds still left on me from Ella's pregnancy (I know not near as drastic as what you endured). I cherish that. Those are my mother marks. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteJen, i am so glad to here how you are doing. I found you on facebook too. :) Its important for you probably to get out your feelings about how you are doing. Like Bree said, we are all routing for your recovery and Cooper's health daily. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteKeep the updates coming - we are all here to support you!!
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ReplyDeleteJen when I read your post I could relate to so much you said. I am happy though that you are doing okay, physically. It is so 'normal' to what is sometimes spinning in your head. I remember when I took Marlize home - I was a bit paranoid and would check her breathing a million times a day. Your hormones will settle darling - you still have your ovaries I assume? I think of you everyday and remember we are all in this journey together. Will support you till the end of time! Lots of love and hugs :) I note you have become a mother in law too... LOL :)
ReplyDeleteI can relate to that fear. You are one of the reasons (as well as all my blog friends) why I wrote about courage. You had the courage to try again and give it your all so that Cooper could enter this world safely. You are courageous for accepting that Lily and Cooper will be your only babies. You are courageous in that you go to the NICU day in and day out to bathe Cooper in love. You are a courageous woman Jen and I salute you. You inspire me to do whatever it takes during my next pregnancy, even though the fear may be there, I will not give up.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your love and support, and I am glad that physically you are doing well. :-)
I am glad to hear that all is going well. Sorry for your struggles, but what a cute little man you have!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to hear about you :) I honestly can't imagine all you've been through, and are going through. . . physically. . .emotionally. . .so much! And I'm so very proud of you :)
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