Friday, October 24, 2014

Motherhood the journey...

Motherhood the reality is so much different than how I daydreamed it while pregnant.  Actually, my idea of motherhood changed when I lost Lily.  I was a mother but a childless one.  Then, I got pregnant with Cooper. I spent that whole pregnancy hoping and praying that I would be able to raise him and there hasn't been a single day that I haven't said "thank you, Lord" when I open Cooper's door in the morning.

The last 5 years have gone by so fast.  I'm sure all new moms feel lost but here I was as a "first time mom" so I don't know much about kids but I know NOTHING about raising a child with special needs.  I remember crying when Cooper was 6 months old when he was diagnosed with Hypotonia (the first of several diagnoses) and being so sad because hadn't we been through enough (infertility and Lily dying)?  I had daydreamed of music class and storytime but for 3 days a week for his first 3 years were spent at PT/OT/ST.  I was jealous and angry at other moms for their easy weeks of playdates, music or tumbling classes, etc.  I was jealous of how their kids could just do things so easily.  There were a lot of days where I just didn't want to be around other people.  I felt moody and lost. I loved him with all my heart but I was lost and felt alone.

Something snapped as soon as we got the Autism diagnosis. I decided to stop comparing my motherhood journey to other moms. I decided to stop comparing Cooper to other kids.  The Autism diagnosis was also my flashing sign that I needed to take better care of myself and my marriage.  I lost 60 pounds and my marriage and best friendship status with my hubby is better than ever.  Your marriage and your identity can be demolished when parenting a child with special needs but I'm not going to allow that to happen anymore.  I research every day on ways to help Cooper to flourish.  I accept Cooper for where he is today and I focus on each day as it comes. I've re-evaluated my circle of friends and have kept those that truly love me and Cooper.  The friends that always have my best interest in heart, tell me the truth and not just what I want to hear and will bring over wine...

With all of that, my jealous, anger and sadness are gone (well, most days. I'm human after all).
My focus is my family.
My focus is my health, spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally. 
Motherhood is a beautiful journey. I'll never take it for granted.

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