I've been having a hard time lately dealing with my hysterectomy. I miss having a period...how weird is that? But, what is even more difficult wrapping my mind around (I'm slow!) is that I will never have another baby grow inside my body...when I start feeling sad it quickly turns to feeling selfish. Some women have never been pregnant and I was blessed with two beautiful opportunities although only one of my babies lives with me on Earth. I've had 2 beautiful babies come from my body...and for that I am eternally grateful. I feel like a brat because I WAS dreading my friends getting pregnant again just because of my lack of ability to do so...how unfair and stupid is that???? I need to focus more on the opportunities that I've been given rather than focus on what won't come again...
Also, I've been complaining a lot to friends (especially on facebook) about how bad Cooper is about taking naps...seriously, I have two friends on facebook that have bigger worries than a baby who won't take naps (one lost her 3 month old baby to SIDS and the other has a baby with hydrocephaly and her baby is going through so much)...so, add in a sense of insensitivity...
I have so much to be thankful for but have been attempting to give myself pity parties...sometimes, I can be a real self-centered a** and I'm sorry if I've ever said anything insensitive whether in my spoken or written words or through my actions. I'm working on it, really...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I am sorry Jen,, I had not KNown about the hysterectamy, may have missed that post when catching up on your story...my SIL had 4 m/c and one living daughter through IVF and after 9 fibroids had to have a hysterectomy during christmas. I swear i think she was looking at me pregnant with the "evil eye" and it is understandable...not to say she was happy i lost Alyssa, but in some way she has to feel a little guilty for her thoughts...that is all they are sweety 'thoughts'.....you have not gone out and stabbed every pregnant belly, all they are are triggers of the family that can not grow internally in you. There is adoption, of course, but your pain knows it cant come from the body and THAT on its own needs a gried process. As for the FB comments about a baby who cant nap...its frustrating...i dont have any babies but when my 14 yr old step son is here on the weekend he usually puts himself to bed, but nights where he is "wired" and wants to be up 1,2am watching tv im ready to pull my hair out...and that is even after alyssa passed...its just part of mothering...the baby with sids are you talking about Erika? her and I met after this I reached out to her and she has her own 2 daughters that are young so I am sure she can relate...my issue lately is ONe particular BLM that is now pregnant and all she can do is complain every day about feeling fat and sick...UMmmmm that is part of the package sweetie we would ALL give that a hug, but that is just me...thinking of you xoxox
ReplyDeletei can understand your feelings...granted i didn't have a hysterectomy but we are done having kids (DH took some permanent measures) and I'm sad about it all the time...But like you, I feel like I should be thankful for what I have...I think being baby loss mamas, it only adds to our grief...You will never raise your girl....I will never raise my boys...It's so hard...Feel free to vent here to us!
ReplyDeleteI haven't had my hysterectomy yet, but I'm still coming to grips with it. It just hit me one day that even though my body will never carry another baby again doesn't mean we have to be finished adding to our family. There's always adoption, surrogacy, foster care, the black market (joking), etc...
ReplyDeleteThen there are times I think, "Who is going to let us adopt their baby when we've already got three kids?"
But, I feel that if there is another sweet person that needs to come to your family, there will be a way.
...and I feel like a selfish brat, too!
It is good to be able to look at things with a new perspective and realize how thankful you are for the things you have. But, it's also not unreasonable to be upset and saddened by your hysterectomy. You are a great mother and you loved growing your two babies, and you will miss that. That is a real pain and it's okay to acknowledge it. I am dealing with something similar. Not sure if what our Lillian has is genetic yet (doing tests now) so I may never be able to get pregnant again and risk having another baby diagnosed with SOD and have it worse off than she does.
ReplyDeleteAlso, It's also okay to vent about your life - your living it! We all have hard times and battle different things everyday whether it be something major like the loss of a child or the ability to get pregnant again, or the frustration of dealing with a cranky baby because he won't nap! So vent away! That's what friends are for. And they know you will be there to listen to them vent about big stuff and small stuff alike.
You have every right to lament your loss of 'girly bits', IMHO. I've caught myself over the months too - bitching (mainly to myself!) about cleaning up the sixteenth lot of puke for the day, or disrupted sleep. Then I give myself a slap and remind myself of how lucky we are to be given another chance. Don't think I did any FB updates - probably a few tweets along the way tho - don't forget that you ARE human :)
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to feel this way. I actually wondered at one point how you were doing so well after Cooper was born, because I know that if I were in your shoes, I don't think I would handle it as gracefully. I would certainly be grateful for the things you have mentioned, but I know that I would have some lingering bitterness and anger about not being about to grow more babies. I would have moments of being outright pissed. Sometimes we have to remember that everything is relative to the moment that we are in...small things can seem big, and big things can sometimes seem small. I am sure that your friends who are going through their own struggles can understand this. Hugs...
ReplyDeleteJen, I think you're entitled to your feelings and I wouldn't feel bad about being an a** every now and then! :) I feel like an a** for not following this blog earlier! Just found it today, how dumb am I?! Many hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI love you ;0)
ReplyDeleteJust catching up...and am absolutely in love with your sweet little Cooper!!! He is delicious! I also smile wistfully at your background...those little monkeys are the very monkeys that waved at me every day as I blogged about Matthew's pregnancy. I love that I can look at them now and smile (through tears, maybe, but smile nonetheless!).
ReplyDeleteBeing a mom is HARD! Whether your child lives on this earth or doesn't (or you have some who do and don't!), it's hard--so there is no shame or insensitivity in admitting so.
Not to get really theological, but honestly--how often in the Bible does God lament over His children? I know that's a bad analogy, but I mean it in the sense that parenting is hard and we are only human--things like naps and not eating well and worries about other things that may not be on the same scale as hydrocephaly or whatever are still important to you because they are YOURS and your realities and difficulties. It's not insensitive to voice how your life is.
And I am so sorry about the hysterectomy but honestly, as you've dealt with loss and grief, allow yourself to do so with this. A hysterectomy is a loss--of control, of body and of what-ifs. You are allowed to mourn that and you don't have to justify your grieving by emphasizing how thrilled you are about your blessings. It's ok to be joyful for what you have and still wistful and sad for what you don't anymore. It doesn't make you any less grateful--just lets you be gentle with yourself and that's a good thing!!!
xoxo
Jen,
ReplyDeleteI think it's natural to feel like that.I have five living children,and my last baby died then I ended up with a hystorectomy the same day she went to heaven.I still have that want,that urge, the heartache.Am I greedy, maybe,I rather think of it as I just love being a mommy,carrying a baby..ect.I understand.(((HUGS)))